you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
