I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
