Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
