So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
