I can text with my tongue
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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