i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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