I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
