I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize