i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
vagina is talking i cant
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
