Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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