grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
