I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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