I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
