I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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