i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
