we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
