you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
