Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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