i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
