saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
