someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
