my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
