No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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