I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
