Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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