who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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