I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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