I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
