When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
