Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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