Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Randomize
