I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
