theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
