HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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