tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
