Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
