Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
