Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize