So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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