My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
