YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
