I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
