just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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