Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How drunk are you?
Completed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
