hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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