Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
