God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
