I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
