Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
