Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
