history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I need a beard to bite.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
