On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have demons in me.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
