so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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