He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
