It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
