Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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